Introspective Ramblings

Well, I just dropped off my pre-adolescent doggie at the Veterinarian so he can get fixed. Hopefully that will calm him down a bit. I know I need to get back into exercising him more, but I've been so busy working everyday that I don't have as much time.

I can't wait until it's a bit nicer out too. It's been warmer lately, but I'm dying for the day when short sleeves and shorts are sufficient. Of course when the blazing summer is upon us, I'll be dying for cool days, but this winter, however mild everyone says it has been, is my first on the East Coast and I'm pretty much over it.

Lately life has been chaos. I'm utterly homesick for California but I don't have the time nor money to get myself back there. I just want to relax and breathe nice, fresh air. I want to look at beautiful gardens and hang out with long treasured friends. I'm sick of being the newbie. I'm sick of trying to make good impressions on people. I'm sick of building fresh new friendships, wondering who I can trust and who I can't. Not that I don't like the people I've met here, it's just emotionally exhausting sometimes to do these things. People in this city are innately cynical. It drives me insane sometimes. I don't know how many more "golden years" stories I can put up with, I find it hard to believe that things were that much better before I moved here. And even if it was, why dwell on that and make others feel like they missed out?

But yet I still love living here, amongst the chaos and activity. I have always known I was a city girl from the time I was little and I stared up at the skyscrapers in San Francisco, feeling more alive just being on the street, like I had a sense of purpose being a part of the big machine. Every night someone asks me to go out somewhere and do something. I don't always, sometimes I stay home, but it still continues to amaze me when i do go out how at all hours of the night on any given day, the streets are still full of wandering people, the bars and clubs and restaurants are still chuggin away.

On some nights I stay home and, for the most part, watch the educational channels. National Geographic, Discovery, Science Channel, History Channel, and a myriad of do-it-yourself home improvement shows. Somewhere in my mid-20's I figured out that much of what I learned throughout school was not only forced upon me, but has since become obsolete. There is so many more tidbits of information to soak in, and without a structured program to force me to study certain topics, I have the freedom to concentrate on what I am really interested in.

And ah, the joy of TiVo. And the internet, of course.

Music is a bit more steady here, I play out at least once a month, which is nice. I also practice more and have a more steady influx of new records to play thanks to 611. Many ask how I scored such a job being a newbie... it really is all about who you know sometimes. Practicing makes me feel more confident, and helps me tune into what I like playing. Lately I've been branching out to a completely new genre, acid house. No matter what genre I delve into, I am still picky as ever.

Funny how I used to sit around painting all day and dreaming of the city and doing something with my music. Now I run around the city, play music, and dream of sitting around painting all day. I have decided one thing from living on both coasts: the grass is just as green on both sides, it's just a completely different kind of lawn.